“It’s the heart, afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance
It’s the dream afraid of waking
That never takes a chance
It’s the one who won’t be taken
Who cannot seem to give
And the soul, afraid of dying
That never learns to live”
It is limiting to think that if you are aligned fully with your path in life you will create only rainbows and sunshine as your experiences. We all will have negative experiences, even those of us more in alignment and with greater awareness.
Think of it this way: if there is this external thing or block in your life preventing you from growing further, realise that is related to some unresolved trauma inside you. This way, you put the power of it back in your hands. You become a concious creator.
Yet, it can sometimes not be as simple as that. Especially when you find yourself using every tool you have ever learnt to get yourself out of a situation and yet you are still there. In fact, even after you do all the work to resolve it, you still remain a match to the experience.
Your desire is to experience unconditional love. The way that the law of attraction will work is to bring into your life everything that isn’t unconditional love. It aims to show you everything that it isn’t so that you can realise this and feel it and learn what not to allow. Only once you have realised this can you move on to know what it is, in order to manifest nothing short of that in your life.
This means, family relationships that are short of unconditional love will cease to be, you will choose to let them go, or they will grow into something more. Intimate relationships that aren’t based on unconditional love will end so you can make room for those that will manifest your desire.
There will be pain and despair and mysery until you can understand what your desire is not. So that you then have no doubt what your desire is.
It may feel as making a mistake or as manifesting something we don’t want, because we may not be able to understand it in another way. What we don’t understand is that it is acting as the vessel through which our desire is fulfilled.
We need to fully understand and feel in out body what it is we do not want to be fully aligned with what we desire.
Don’t judge it as something that shouldn’t be happening if you are completely healed and in alignment; that’s you resisting the law of attraction. Look for a deeper meaning. It is not always simple.
Be careful not to go into a shame spiral of ‘what’s wrong with me’; you old habitual self destruct. Sometimes the only way out, the only way to release resistance, is to allow it, to go through it. Maybe what is needed is for you to stand up and defend yourself. Going through that experience, instead of getting rid of it, would be the way for you to be in alignment with your purpose.
It is not always something unhealed within you or some shadow manifesting as it externally, it is your path to alignment with your desires.
We often cannot see it because we have already decided how our life should be.
We have judged this experience as not good, but perhaps the judgement itself is wrong. What if it is like a diamond in the rough? From one perspective it looks as something unwanted; yet from another, it can appear as something very precious.
You get a feeling of fate, you keep getting pulled towards things you want to avoid, you don’t know why but you feel a connection.
There is no greater absolvsion of responsibility than ‘everything happens as it’s supposed to happen’. Yet, the obsessive control we try to have over our lives and in controlling our reality, can be just as damaging. It can prevent us from being conciously aware of the fact that there might just be more to the situation we find ourselves in than at first glance.
You might just not yet be seeing how it is a perfect match to achieving and manifesting your soul’s desires.
Good luck, keep going. And remember, once you become even a little bit more aware, there is no going back! You cannot un-know what you have seen.
Use the pain you are in to design what you would prefer. Use that pain to get very clear about wants and needs and then to lay out that alternative reality.
Create that alternative reality of you soul’s desires and give your partner the opportunity to step into that expanded place.
When it comes to the union of two sensotove souls, you’re both “spiritual beings having a human experience.” Finding an equally sensitive, divinely connected soulmate feels like coming home. You relationship may feel so compatible, like a an anchor and a haven, a lighthouse for two ships adrift on the emotional high seas. However, it’s not immune to the turbulence caused by your secretive natures. Emotional withdrawal is a self-protective act you’ve both honed over the years, but this tactic backfires when used against each other. The trick is learning to catch a bad mood when it starts, then processing the feelings instead of lashing out. Once the righteous anger and wounded egos kick in, you’re like two runaway trains waging a war of domination and submission. One’s control tussles with the others’s guilt, the former’s withholding will wrestle with the latter’s evasion, and so on. Yet, you both want the same thing: a partner who inspires absolute, unshakeable trust with unconditional love. What you need to learn is how to give it before you get it. To adapt the saying, be the change you want to see in your partner. It will keep you together for lifetimes.
Such tender bait is a partner who’s equal parts commitment-phobe and serial monogamist! But it’s all related to past inherited issues that they have to overpower before it suffocates the relationship. Then, of course, comes the Great Escape—intimacy overload strikes, but you feel too “guilty” to ask for a night off from gazing into each other’s eyes in fear that this will end. Have more trust in him and he will prove he was worth the trust you placed on him.
Instead, you fly into a passive-aggressive panic, turning on your partner, then resort to a good self-flogging. “I’m too gutless to demand better foreplay”. “I’m such an awful person—you deserve better,” “You suck”! The real problem isn’t your chemistry, it’s that you’re so damn indirect. Communication is the cornerstone of a lasting relationship, and if you keep walking on eggshells, you’ll end up resentful, depressed (anger turned inward) or eventually exploding with rage.
Being so sensitive has its challenges. Learning to “be in the world, but not of the world” takes both self-awareness and time.
When you go through painful experiences in life you have two options. Either you become harder or you become softer.
He who become harder is going to get crushed by life because everything comes up against him.
He who becomes softer becomes more like water – it flows around the penetrating force instead of shattering it.
” Then hate me when thou wilt, if ever, now. Now while the world is bent my deeds to cross, join with the spite of fortune, make me bow,
And do not drop in for an after-loss:
Ah do not, when my heart hath ‘scaped this sorrow,
Come in the rearward of a conquered woe,
Give not a windy night a rainy morrow,
To linger out a purposed overthrow..
If thou wilt leave me, do not leave me last,
When other petty griefs have done their spite,
But in the onset come, so shall I taste
At first the very worst of fortune’s might.
And other strains of woe, which now seem woe,
Compared with loss of thee, will not seem so.”
– Billy Shakespeare
I have been so fortunate as to meet such amazing people in my journey of increased self-awareness. When you are feeling the lowest they will suddenly say something or send you something that gives you that outsider perspective to shift your focus away from self-pity and into what is more valuable and important.
Today I have had nothing but amazing insights and people gifting the their outsider higher perspective. I feel so grateful for that. Yet I felt such a deep sense of sadness at the same time. It overcame me and I had to let it express itself fully. I felt such pain and loss from deep within my soul. It cried for love and I heart it fully. I am letting go and it feels painful and is breaking me apart into a thousand pieces and I am grateful. I am grateful because I have been ready to move past my limitations for so long yet I have felt stuck and I didn’t know how. No one could help me, yet I was waiting for them to do so. I willingly gave my power away not knowing this was not the way. Only I could find this for myself. And I feel so relieved. Yet I feel so sad; I miss him. Even though I know more is waiting for me a part of me longs for him to meet me in a place where we can share in onnes. I long to be united with unconditional love. I am tired of games, I am tired of being controlled like a puppet, and I am tired of punishing myself for others’ limitations. I chose to shine and love and forgive and love through the pain I have caused.
Sometimes, even though you are used to pain, such painful experiences you have subconciously manifested, it can feel almost like life is having a laugh with you when a breakthrough can feel immediately so relieving. Just because the problem lasted for most of your life, it doesn’t have to take a lifetime to realise and feel the solution.
Now you can choose who to surround yourself with. You can choose what messages you feed your senses. You can choose to let it be ok even when you need to just break down and cry and let out all the negative feelings. When something so overwhelming happens to you and you remember him and how he is the first one to have a longing the share with. Only he is no longer here and will not be again. The searing pain you feel is ok. It’s ok because you choose to feel that pain, it reminds you you are on your journey and while there is a way to go yet, it is encouraging. It is encouraging because you now know for certain that you are on your own path instead of following the trails of others. From there you can choose to remember love. You shared it and the moment you wanted to reach out and take it for yourself you ruined it. Your focus moved away from sharing love and became selfish love to fill your emotional holes. You do not share great love by being selfish with it. Fill up your holes, it is not his responsobility to fill you up, it is yours. Just like it is not your responsibility to fill him up, it is his. Only then, from that place, can true longing and devotion be felt, attraction build and unconditional love shared. Not ‘I’ll only love you if it serves me’ love, but loving him through the pain, through the grief of him not feeling you and your needs. Getting angry at him, expressing it messily and still loving him. Showing him the deep hurt his neglect has caused you, and still loving him. Don’t move your light away from him. Use it to guide him through the relationship’s needs. For you are more powerful and strong than you think. You hold the key to both of your happiness in relationship. Do not loose sight of that responsibility. It is a privilegr. It is yours to carry as the feminine light you are. Honor it as it is the divine power of femininity. You hold the power of life and creation!
Live your life at the expression of your deepest soul’s desires. Do not settle for less. And if he leaves, and you have expressed your deepest soul’s desires and not loved short of it, then let it go. Because the sweetest, most loving thing to remember is that he chose to leave. It was his choice. And through love you honor that choice because choice is the most important action to take.
Guilt and shame do not serve you any more. Find motivation from a different, higher function emotion. What makes your heart feel good. Take action based on that. Anchor it all on love.
Everybody has a bad day, but it doesn’t have to be a bad life.
Chose to love because there is no other emotion at the highest vibrational energy to the divine. What better way to spend your few decades in this life.
“Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small and inflames the great”. – Roger de Rabutin de Busy
“One of the deepest longings of the human soul is to be seen. There is a space between man’s imagination and man’s attainment that may only be tranversed by his longing.” – Kahil Gibron
“Give me the waters of Lethe that numb the heart, if they exist, I will still not have the power to forget you.” – Ovid
“Kiss me until I forget how terrified I am of love.”
“Sometimes language is the sound of longing.”
“I am not meant to be alone and without you who understands.”
“Does he who always waits suffer more than he who never waited for anyone?”
“Although there is pain and sorrow, there is always beauty and light. And you were my light.”
Although it may sound counter intuitive, self-awareness will bring you so much more pain. The more you learn about relationships, the most important aspect of life, the more pain it brings you.
You will start having flashbacks realising how many times you rejected your partner’s gesture of his love for you. You were too busy worrying over self-image instead of giving into your deep desire to connect with him.
How many times you starved him of emotional connection and instead validated him for all the things you didn’t feel good about.
How you let yourself sink into being a victim about all the critically difficult moments of your relationship, propagating negative feelings and destroying attraction between you. Instead of taking accountability and owning your crucial role of inspiring you both into deeper connection, you allow your ego to take over in making you feel small and insignificant. All the focus on you, always, and in each moment over again. How tiring and dissapointing and painful to keep experiencing that.
Unsurprisingly your partner will grow so tired and feel so discouraged that no matter how much love exists between you, your relationship is doomed. Resentment will kill any attraction or love you may have lingering between you.
You have made a clear choice of your ego over committing wholeheartedly to your relationship.
The more you see exactly what you have been doing wrong and how ignorant you have been, the more pain will build up in your belly. I haven’t felt such intense emotional pain, since realising how my naivety and resistance to learning about how to relate to those most important in my life, my committed partner, actually causes them pain. It takes a really strong stomach and all my new ability to digest and express emotions to work through this emotional and physical pain of realisation.
It is a necessary part of growth but this pain can consume you. You must feel it fully, go through it and maintain self-care throughout. The thought of finally becoming aligned with your values as a result of navigating this pain is what keeps you going.
The self-punishment of guilt is a usual side-effect and again self-care is vital to work through it and not let it fully consume you.
This has had me broken up into a million pieces. I feel so angry and so tired and so sick of this feeling.
If you want more from your love life than what I am describing, then you have to be prepared to put the work. Don’t put it off for tomorrow. Really delve into this and work on it everyday. Be aligned with your values, don’t wait for a big loss or pain to motivate you. There really is no better feeling that feeling proud of the person you are in this moment. Not who you want to be, or who you will be, but being that person now!
Don’t let yourself down again. Let the world see who you are, shine. Take responsibility for the effect you have on those you love and really be there for them. Be their biggest fan.
And stop beating yourself up for not having the awareness back then. You could only act from the knowledge you had at the time.
“The journey if discovery lies not in seeking new landscapes, but in seeing with new eyes.”
– Buddhist proverb
Self-image can be the undoing of us. As adults, why are we so concerned with the fear of not living up to the image we have built up of ourselves? Why is that self-image more important than trying and failing and learning? Hy are we so scared if embarrassing ourselves or appearing as a fool or failing?
Are we not able to pause and realise how this is affecting the quality of our lives? How is stops us from actually enjoying life? How it actually stops us from doing what is needed to get the result of that we are aiming for?
Imagine how your man is lying next to yu, feeling so miserable and beaten down and just as you decide you have it all figured out in your head, what yoy are going to say to uplift him, wham! Pressure strikes! It leaves you numb, speechless, like a rabbit staring into oncoming traffic, frozen to the spot.
Why are we like this? Expectation!
As young children, we would do things through a curiosity of exploration, the excitement of trial and error because the joy of achieving it was such high value!
As adults, we build up this image of ourselves, of who we are, that stops us from really going for it and and acting as our child self would approach a challenge or a problem in life.
We continuously worry what others will think, especially our partner, we worry we won’t match their image of us or meet their expectations. In that moment where pressure affects us, it is because we are more concerned with maintaining our image than of achieving growth and expansion and learning.
Thus is what validation does to us and why it is so damaging. You get so caught up in trying to impress, you forget about being authentic. You are acting out a role you think would best go with the image if yourself you are trying to preserve. You stop being yourself, believing that it is not good enough. You are effectively and indirectly saying to your partner that they are not good enough.
You become so attached to validation because it satisfies an emotional need that you perhaps didn’t get met as a child from tour parents. You are so focused on maintainting that validation that you stop taking risks and have no energy to focus elsewhere.
While you are grasping onto and protecting your self-image so tightly, you are preventing your growth and learning. This prevents you from moving past a fixed point in your development in that area of your life and it can repeat itself and perpetuate the cycle.
Wheras other are areas of your life may be advanced, you remain underdeveloped in the area of your life where self-image remains more important. There becomes a huge discrepancy in the different parts of your life which can lead to deep feelings of dissatisfaction with your life.
Are you going to remain more concerned with protecting your image and limited beliefs? Or will you allow your curious child to go out there and take risks on the way to learning how to expand your growth? It really doesn’t matter who you are; we all have areas of our life where you are still that small child trying to find their way.
Once you can admit to yourself that you are in fact a student of life; once you see yourself as going from the master to the student, that is where your power begins. You tear everything down and begin learning from the start, accepting that you will make mistakes and get it wrong and that is just part of your learning. But if you are too proud to shift from the master stance in life, you won’t be so allowing of mistakes and errors because of what it could potentially do to the image of yourself that you are so desperate to protect.
Just because you are now an adult doesn’t mean your learning stops. If you allow it, yoy will become the forever student. Always learning, open to new ideas, expanding into a better version than your previous self.
Be the student of your own life, continuously learning who you are, without fear of exploring more adventurous experiences.
Pride will deprive you of so many of life’s best experiences. It will stop you from seeing what you really are capable of.
Live life with humility.
Move away from desperarely protecting a fixed image of yourself and instead continuously learn and build on who you are.
my journey so far... 